


Love and Loneliness

by Ltleflrt



Series: Peace Begins With A Smile [2]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-27
Updated: 2012-03-27
Packaged: 2017-11-02 14:12:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/pseuds/Ltleflrt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the Peace Begins With A Smile universe, during the years where Fenris is adventuring with Isabela.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Loneliness

Anders cracked one eye open and peeked at the dark haired mage sitting cross legged on the floor before him. Hawke’s face was scrunched up in concentration, his teeth bared as he struggled to follow the path of the healing spell. His shaggy hair fell down over the bridge of nose as he tilted his head down, and one corner of Anders’ mouth quirked up in amusement. The younger man was desperately in need of a haircut. Again. 

“Quit staring at me. You’re going to make me blush. It does shit for my concentration.”

Anders chuckled and opened his other eye. “I’m sorry, my friend. You might as well stop. You’re way off.”

Hawke let out a gusting sigh and opened his eyes to stare at Anders in frustration. “How long were you going to wait to tell me?” 

“I was giving you time to see if you got back on track,” Anders said with a wry smile. He extinguished the spell he held in his palms. One of hands twitched with the need to brush Hawke’s hair away from his eyes, but he managed to suppress the urge. Something he’d gotten very good at over the years. “You’ve done it before. You’re getting better.”

Hawke finally reached up and brushed the hair away from his whiskey colored eyes. “You keep saying that, but I feel like I’m getting nowhere.”

“You expect too much of yourself,” Anders said. “Healing is hard.”

A wicked grin spread across Hawke’s face, and Anders wasn’t surprised by the next words out of his mouth. “I’m usually very good with hard things.”

Don’t say it, grumbled a voice in his mind. Oh come on, that’s a perfect opening, Anders thought back. “So I’ve heard,” he said out loud. “But I’ve yet to see any proof.”

Hawke winked at him, but didn’t reply. He lifted himself to his feet and held out a hand to help Anders up from the floor as well. With an internal sigh of disappointment he accepted the help. He groaned as he got to his feet. “Maker, I think I’m getting old. I’m pretty sure I heard my knees creek.” He dusted himself off, avoiding Hawke’s eyes until he knew his expression would not reveal his feelings. 

_It is for the best that he does not return your feelings._

_Maybe. But it wouldn’t kill either of us to get a little._

_You take care of those needs yourself._

_Thanks for the reminder._

Anders realized Hawke was speaking and stopped paying attention to his inner dialogue. He blinked in confusion. “I’m sorry, what?” Hawke tilted his head and gave Anders a curious look. Sometimes he seemed to know exactly what was happening in his head. Actually, seeing as how he also had his own spirit passenger, he probably did know. 

“I asked if you wanted to go to The Hanged Man. I’ll buy you a pint.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Anders said. 

Hawke gave him a crooked smile. “It’s the least I can do for monopolizing all your time.”

_He wishes to thank you for your time by taking more of it? You should be concentrating on your cause._

_Shut up._

“Well,” Anders said. “You’ve got a point. Although after you messed up that last batch of elfroot potion, I think you owe me more than one pint.”

“Is that a yes?”

 _No._ “Yes,” Anders said, ignoring Justice’s seething irritation. 

“Brilliant!” Hawke said happily. He threw an arm around Anders’ shoulder and led him toward the door to the clinic. 

He chattered cheerfully all the way up to Varric’s suite. Anders mostly just smiled and laughed at his jokes. It was good to see the other mage smiling. After that elf had left with Isabela, Hawke had been nearly inconsolable. It had been the last straw for a man who’d had too many shocks in a short amount of time. The death of his mother, the duel with the Arishok and being revealed as a mage to the entire city, becoming possessed; these were all more than most people could handle on an individual basis. When Hawke read the poorly written note that Bodahn had brought him, he’d gone very quiet. He barely spoke for weeks, and spent most of his time sleeping. When he finally did rouse himself enough to leave his home, his friends could tell his humor was forced. Slowly though, the smiles had become more genuine.

As they played Wicked Grace with Varric and Donnic, Anders watched Hawke. Justice disapproved of his obsession with the other mage, although he suspected the spirit was slightly enamored of Compassion. The few times she had revealed herself in Hawke’s eyes Anders had felt a strange shyness fill him that felt foreign enough that he was sure it didn’t originate with himself. Of course, he didn’t really care if Justice approved or not. He could help the way he felt about the man. 

Spending time teaching Hawke to heal was the highlight of his day. No matter how tired he was from lack of sleep after smuggling escaped mages out of the city overnight, or healing through an outbreak of yellow fever, he was always energized by the lessons. He enjoyed having someone to teach his skills to, but more than anything, it felt good to have a reason to smile. Hawke always made him laugh, and for just a few hours a day he could forget the darkness that filled his life. 

_We should not be here._

_Oh shut it_ , Anders thought as he sipped his ale. 

_This is a waste of time_ , Justice insisted.

 _And what else would you have me do? Meredith has cracked down lately and it’s too dangerous to smuggle mages out right now. And I can only write so much before my hand cramps. Give me a break. Please._ That last was desperate enough that Justice finally conceded and went silent. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“You ok there, Blondie?” Varric asked. 

Anders jumped. He’d let his mind wander a bit too much. “Yes,” he said. “Just tired.”

Hawke looked at him with concern. “You have had more to drink than usual. We can call it a night if you want.”

Anders raised an eyebrow in surprise. Was he suggesting..? No he couldn’t be. “I’ve only had three,” he said, ignoring the “we” reference. “How many have you had?”

Looking down at his empty tankard, Hawke gave a surprised snort. “I don’t remember.” 

“Time for another round?” Donnic asked dryly. 

Hawke pushed back from the table. “Actually I think it is time to quit. I’m getting to the point where I can’t tell when Varric is cheating anymore.” He looked over at Anders. “Will you walk with me? It’s safer to head to my estate and take the shortcut down to your clinic.”

Anders ignored the look Varric and Donnic gave each other. “Of course,” he said. He stood up when Hawke did and reached out quickly to catch him by the shoulder as the dark haired mage listed suddenly toward him. The man still crashed into him, but together they managed to keep him upright. “Andraste’s knickerweasels, Hawke. I’m going to have to heal your hangover in the morning aren’t I?” 

The two mages threw waves over their shoulders to Varric and Donnic and made their way out of the tavern and into the streets. Hawke leaned into Anders and rested his head on his shoulder.  
“You’re tall,” Hawke said after a while.

Anders blinked at the nonsensical statement. “Yes,” he said warily. 

“I’ve just never noticed before,” Hawke said quietly. His smile faded and he had a far away look. “I’m used to being the tall one.”

Anders noticed the shadow that crossed the mage’s face, and only wondered for a moment what he was thinking about. The look was familiar. He was thinking of the elf. He wanted to say something to distract him, but it was too late. They were at Hawke’s estate. 

He helped Hawke up the stairs and into his bedroom. A flick of his wrist lit a fire in the hearth. He pushed the other mage down onto the bed, and turned to walk toward the wardrobe where the hidden passage led back down into Darktown. He hadn’t taken two steps before a hand around his wrist stopped him. 

“Anders,” Hawke said quietly. “You don’t have to leave.”

“Yes I do Hawke,” Anders said without turning around. He stared intently at the wardrobe. Just a few more steps and he could make his escape, but the fingers around his wrist felt like manacles, chaining him in place. 

Hawke didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “He’s not coming back,” he said quietly. 

Anders turned his head and looked at Hawke. “Could you love me the way you love him?” The stricken look in Hawke’s eyes made him almost regret the question, but he needed to know.

Hawke’s fingers loosened and he dropped Anders’ wrist. “No,” he whispered. “I- I can’t. I’m sorry.” He turned his head away to stare into the fire. 

The light made Hawke’s eyes shine golden, and Anders felt Justice stir within him. He turned back and stepped close to the other man, standing between his knees. He reached out and cupped his chin, lifting gently until their eyes could meet. “I love you,” he said. “I know you don’t return my feelings, but I-“ he took a deep breath and continued. “I just needed to say it once, out loud. If we do this, it will break my heart to know you love him.”

“One night, Anders,” Hawke said softly. “Just once. For both of us.”

“To see what could have been?” Anders asked sadly.

Hawke nodded. 

Staring down at him, Anders could list so many reasons to say no. Reasons to walk away now, before his heart could shatter. Justice was listing a litany of reasons that hadn’t even occurred to him. Suddenly unable to stand the clamor in his head, he leaned down and took Hawke’s mouth in a savage kiss. Their gasps drowned out Justice’s voice and he was able to savor the warm lips beneath his own. 

He pulled away, and felt a thrill of excitement run down his spine when Hawke whimpered and tried to capture his mouth again. He pressed their foreheads together and stared into the whiskey colored eyes that haunted his dreams. “One night,” he agreed. He knew he had made the right decision when the sadness faded from Hawke’s eyes and a slow smile spread over his face. 

Anders pulled away and with a waggle of his fingers the buckles and straps of his clothing came loose. As he pulled his coat off his shoulders, Hawke laughed. “Wait until I show you the electricity trick,” he said with a wide grin.

Hawke began pulling his own clothing loose. “The one Isabela mentioned? I’m intrigued.”

When Hawke reached for the laces of his trousers, Anders brushed his hands away so he could take over the task. He knelt down and with shaking fingers, pulled the other man’s erection free. “Maker preserve me,” he whispered. “That is a beautiful sight.”

Hawke just grinned widely. He reached out and ran his fingers through Anders’ hair, and with a gentle tug, pulled it loose from its tie. Anders leaned forward and kissed the tip gently and repeatedly. When the hand in his hair tightened, he showed mercy and took the head into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the hard ridges covered by soft skin. Hawke’s moans urged him on and he stroked with his mouth until he was able to take him fully into his throat. He breathed slowly through his nose and swallowed, then pulled back, releasing him from his mouth with a pop.

“Fuck,” Hawke breathed. “Do that again.”

Anders did as he requested, sliding deep and pulling back completely several times. He stopped and blew cold air over Hawke’s feverish skin, making him whimper. He would be completely content to keep going, but he had other things in mind. He rose to his feet, wincing as he felt the creeking in his knees again. 

Hawke reached for the lacings of his trousers, and Anders let him reach inside the cloth to wrap his fingers around his aching length. He thrust his hips into the other man’s stroking hands. He leaned down and captured Hawke’s lips with his own, and he relished the rough slide of their tongues against each other. He pulled back slightly. “Stand up and turn around,” he ordered huskily.

Hawke nodded and stood. Because Anders didn’t step back, their bodies pressed together, their erections slid against each other. It made it difficult for Hawke to maneuver but with a twist of his body his back was pressed against Anders’ chest, the cheeks of his ass cradling Anders’ cock. 

Anders wrapped his arms around Hawke, and held him close. One hand reached down to stroke and tease, and he thrust his hips teasingly. 

“I’m all for this,” Hawke said huskily, his voice breaking when Anders’ fingers stroked over sensitive areas. “But this is a position I’m not used to.”

Anders nuzzled his ear, and bit down on the skin just below it. “Is that so?” he asked in a whisper. He flicked his tongue out to sooth the abused skin. “Then I promise to be gentle.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Hawke said with a gasp.

“Good,” Anders answered. He let a flicker of electricity run through his fingers, and chuckled when Hawke cried out and his knees collapsed. A gentle nudge sent him forward onto his hands on the bed. Anders followed him down and draped himself over the smaller man. “Are you ready?”

“Maker’s cock, Anders,” Hawke said with a nervous laugh. “I’m not sure.”

Anders chuckled. He reached between their bodies and took himself in his own hand. A whispered spell, and he was coated with conjured grease. “You asked for this,” he warned.

“So I did,” Hawke said. He looked over his shoulder and his smile was slow and inviting. “What are you waiting for?”

Anders guided himself to the tight muscle and pressed gently. He cast a small healing spell as he eased forward, making his entry as smooth as possible. Hawke’s groans were of pleasure, and not pain. He still had one hand around the other man’s cock and he sent a spark of electricity through his fingers as he settled completely inside of him. 

Hawke cried out a litany of curses, nearly incoherent. Anders didn’t give him time to adjust. Still casting his healing spell he began to thrust. He was already so close, but he wanted to feel Hawke come with him. He grabbed his hip with one hand, pulling him back roughly as he thrust forward, all the while sending random jolts through the fingers of both hands. When he felt Hawke harden even further in his hand, he thrust quicker. He began to spill his seed just as he felt slick hot fluid spill into his palm.

He collapsed forward, bringing them both down to the bed. They lay there panting for several minutes before he felt like he had enough energy to extract himself. He rolled away onto his back, one hand spread over his stomach, the other still pinned under Hawke. He turned his head to see the mage looking at him with an amused smile. “What?” he asked breathlessly.

“No wonder Isabela liked that trick,” Hawke said with a chuckle.

Anders laughed as well. “Yes, I’m proud of that one. She’s not easy to please.”

Hawke rolled his eyes. “I noticed.” He moved until he lay on his side facing Anders. He grabbed his hand and kissed it, licking it clean.

Anders felt himself twitch. “Sweet Andraste, Hawke. Give me a few minutes to catch my breath.”

Hawke shimmied closer and leaned over to kiss Anders on the mouth, sharing his musky taste. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I’m glad you stayed.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Anders quipped. He hoped the smile on his face looked more genuine than it felt. 

Hawke stared at him intently. “Yes,” he agreed. “Friends are there for each other.” He reached out and brushed Anders’ hair back. “You know I’ll be there when you need me, right?”

Anders’ smile faded. “Don’t make promises like that Hawke.”

“Too late.”

Anders sighed, but let the subject drop. “I should probably go,” he said. He moved to get up, but Hawke threw an arm and a leg over him and pinned him to the mattress.

“One night,” Hawke whispered. “It’s not even midnight.”

 _This is not a good idea_ , Justice whispered in his mind. 

_You’re right_ , Anders thought. _But I’m not going to say no._ “One night,” he said out loud. He was rewarded with a happy grin and a soft kiss. _I’ll regret it if I stay, and I’ll regret it if I leave. I might as well enjoy it while I can._

Many hours later as the sky was just beginning to change color with the dawn, Anders pulled the lever that opened the hidden passage behind the wardrobe. He paused to look back at the sleeping man in the bed. He wanted so very much to wake him to say goodbye, but knew that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to leave it at just one night. His heart ached, and he felt sudden rage at the elf who had left this wonderful man behind. He wanted to hunt him down and tear him apart, and he knew the feelings were not coming from Justice. He let out a sigh. He would never do it, if given the opportunity. He didn’t know why Hawke loved Fenris, but there must be something about the elf that must be worthy.

He tore his eyes away from the sleeping mage, and stepped into the passage. The darkness engulfed him as the wardrobe slid back into place. Somehow it felt appropriate.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive the typos, bad grammar, or any other mistakes. This is the original draft. It's past my bedtime, and I wanted to get it posted :)


End file.
